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Posts Tagged ‘worry’

‎I worry about not doing enough.

I worry about trying to do too much.

I worry that I’ve done the wrong thing.

I worry that I’ve done the right thing but for the wrong reason.

I worry about things that are out of my control.

I worry that, in fact, everything is out of my control.

I worry about the unknown and all of the questions I can’t answer.

I worry that maybe I’ve spent my life asking the wrong questions.

I worry that somewhere in the past I made a decision that changed everything.

I worry that maybe I will have to make a decision today that I will spend the rest of my life regretting.

I worry about being too late and what people will think.

I worry a‎bout being too early and what people will say.

I worry that I don’t care enough about how my hair looks.

I worry that people judge me because I sometimes start sentences with ‘and.’

I worry it will turn out that the one thing I always thought I was good at is actually just one more thing that I’m just okay at.

I worry about forgetting something important.

I worry about forgetting something not important.

I worry that I’ll never find the meaning I’m searching for.

I’m worried that maybe I already found it but I didn’t realize that was it.

I worry that I’ll teach my kids the wrong things.

I worry that I won’t teach my kids the right things.

I worry that someone I love doesn’t know how much they mean to me.

I worry that people have tried to tell me things but I was too busy worrying about things to listen.

I worry that I worry too much.

I worry that I don’t worry enough.

I worry that all of my worrying, when it comes right down to it, will neither negate nor solve anything at all, and that, in fact, all I have done is wasted a lot of time, doing a lot of worrying, for nothing.

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Other parents I know are so terrified of their kids wandering off in a busy public place that they keep them close with those little kids leashes. I know some who are so scared at the possibility of choking that they continue to cut up their kids grapes into tiny pieces well into their middle school years. And still others are so frightened by the mere possibility of their kids being exposed to germs that they basically wrap their kids in plastic wrap and douse them in hand sanitizer for the duration of the school year.

I don’t judge.

I don’t judge the leashes or the grapes or the plastic wrap because I get it.

I have my own (somewhat) irrational fear.

This is mine.

You see fun...I see terror.

You see fun…I see danger.

I know it’s ridiculous. I know it’s right up there with leashes and cut-up grapes and plastic wrap, but I just can’t help it.

I remember loving the swings as a kid. I remember the amazing sense of freedom that came with pumping my legs as hard as they could go, higher and higher until I felt like I could touch the sky. I remember closing my eyes and feeling my hair floating around my head at the exact moment I hung suspended between forward swing and backward. Being on the swing was the closest I ever came to flying. In a word, the swings were bliss.

Now, years later, I am a parent and I have a much different perspective.

Now I wonder who decided that strapping a slippery piece of flexible rubber between two metal chains was a good idea? Seriously, how could this not end badly? I made my son sit in the baby swing until he was five. It would have probably been longer but he got stuck one time and I almost couldn’t get him out.

If it were up to me, every swing would be a baby swing. I mean seriously, they made us put a seat belt on our Bumbo chairs for “safety” reasons but suggesting they put a restraining device on something that helps your kid fly through the air? Apparently that moves me from the category of “diligent” to “crazy.”

So my kids have learned. When they go to the park with Daddy he does “under-ducks” and pushes them as high as they want. He laughs as they laugh and lets them swing as long as they want.

However, they know when they go to the park with Mommy she will encourage you to play on anything BUT the swings. If you do manage to get on one, she won’t push you more than three times. She will say that’s “high enough.” Then she will go sit on the bench and stare at you with the frowny face until you finally give up and go play on the slide.

I hate that this very simple thing freaks me out and I know it doesn’t make any sense. A swing is no more dangerous than a bike or a car, or walking from here to there for that matter, but I can’t seem to get over it. Apparently this is just my thing.

Realistically I keep telling myself that in the big scheme of things it probably won’t leave them too traumatized.

I mean it’s not like I’m afraid of ice cream.

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How do I teach you to be careful without causing you to live your life in fear?

How do I teach you to always be aware of what’s going on around you, cognizant of potential danger, without making you scared of things that will probably never happen?

How do show you we live in a world filled with beauty, kindness, love and respect when most of the outward evidence suggests otherwise?

How do I make sure you are aware of the people who may try to harm you without inadvertently teaching you to judge someone by the way they look?

How do I give you the freedom to imagine the outside world as your playground while also keeping you safe from the dangers that exist at the bottom of each quickly moving stream and under every bridge?

How do I ensure you will not blindly trust the stranger who approaches you without making you unable to accept kindness from people you do not know?

How do I implore you to protect your heart fiercely, only giving it to someone who has proven themselves worthy, while also helping you realize that no one gets it right on the first try?

How do I teach you that it’s okay to make mistakes while educating you that unfortunately you’re growing up in a time where your mistakes may live on forever on the Internet?

How do I make sure that my worries and fears do not rob you of your innocence and wonder?

How do I teach you all of these things when I don’t even understand them myself?

How I wish I had the answers.

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When life is good I usually spend most of my time worrying about the fact that one day it won’t be so good anymore.

I don’t believe it’s possible to be happy all the time. In fact, I think that would be kind of boring. How can you truly appreciate happiness if you don’t know what the other side of the coin looks like?

I mean it’s inevitable. One day it will rain, there will be tears, there will be cruel words said, there will be feelings hurt, the doctor will have bad news, the cat will throw up on the carpet, something will be lost that cannot be found.

But not today.

I know this won’t last forever but for right now, today, this minute, this moment, life is good. And this time, for some reason, knowing that it won’t last forever is making it even sweeter.

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‘Tis the season to make big plans for the coming year and all the things we hope to do to make this one even better than the last one.  I myself usually make a few fairly informal resolutions, things I’m looking to improve on, that kind of thing.  This year however, I’ve also decided it’s perhaps even more important for me, personally, to also come to some realizations about the things I cannot, or should not, try to change; things that will always just ‘be’ and the sooner I realize that truth and move on, the better.

And so, here we go, my New Year’s Realizations:

1) bad things happen.  I can’t predict or avoid them, bad things just are.  I spend a lot of my time worrying about these bad things and trying to figure out how I would deal with them if/when they ever do happen.  It’s a huge time-waster for me and it’s time to realize that worrying about things that may or may never happen is unproductive and ultimately futile.  I realize that now.

2) good things happen.  As mentioned above, I spend a lot of time worrying about bad things happening.  However, I spend very little time imagining good things happening.  In reality, these good things may never actually happen in ‘real life’ but heh, they’re a lot more fun to spend time thinking about than the bad things.  I realize that now.

3) it starts with me.  If I want to do something, I have to do it.  I can’t spend my life sitting around on my butt waiting for things to happen ‘to’ me.  If I have an idea, it’s my job to take the next step because if I don’t, who else will? I realize that now.

4) it ends with me.  I can’t love you forever.  I can’t hate you forever.  I can’t be angry forever.  I can’t wonder what might have been forever.  It has to end sometime and I’m the only one who can decide when the end is.  I realize that now.

5) it’s okay to have fun.  Life is hard; it’s sad and lonely and depressing and monotonous and heavy and disappointing and unexplainable and draining.  And I can choose to focus on all of that or I can choose to accept that the bad stuff exists and have fun anyway.  I can laugh out loud on the train when I read something funny in a book.  I can tell a belly-aching (and perhaps borderline inappropriate) joke at a party. I can have another glass of wine and kick off my uncomfortable shoes.  It’s okay to have fun, I realize that now.

6) being a mom is hard.  I actually realized that long ago, like 5 minutes after my first child was born, but the part that’s taken me longer to realize is that it’s okay to admit that it’s hard.  It’s okay to say the words out loud and/or write them down on the page.  It doesn’t make me any less of a mom, it just makes it a teeny tiny bit easier when I admit that most of the time I have no idea what I’m doing, and that’s okay.  I realize that now.

7) words are just words.  Words can hurt people.  Words can make people laugh and they can make people cry.  I am responsible for the words I say and the words I write down but at the end of the day, they’re just words.  They don’t have to be perfect.  What I write doesn’t have to be perfect and even if no one reads them, that doesn’t mean they weren’t worth writing. As long as they come from my heart, they mean something, even if it’s only to me.  I realize that now.

Well there you have it, a few new year’s realizations to put 2011 safely to bed and drag 2012 out onto the dance floor to see what damage we can do.  At the very least, it’s going to be an interesting one!

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