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Posts Tagged ‘struggle’

‎It used to be important to me to appear effortless.

You’ll notice is said ‘appear’ effortless because let’s be at least a little bit honest, I know enough about myself and my life to know it will never actually be effortless so instead I attempted to strive for the appearance of it.

I think it’s always been there, in the back of my head, don’t look like you’re struggling, don’t look like you can’t handle it, and certainly don’t ask for help.

And then, when I became a mother it just multiplied to the tenth degree. ‎

Because what I was striving for was what (I thought) I could see in all of the other mothers around ‎me.

They made it seem so effortless.

They looked like they weren’t even trying. ‎

And that certainly wasn’t ‎what I looked like. So I tried and tried and tried and then slowly I began to realize that I was sick of it.

I’m not sure what changed, and it certainly didn’t happen overnight, but somewhere along the journey from new mother to not-so-new-mother, it grew exhausting to feel one way on the inside and appear another way on the outside.

And frankly, as the years went on and my struggles with motherhood, and honestly, all the other aspects of my life, continued‎, I knew I wasn’t doing a very good job at appearing effortless anyway. The input wasn’t really resulting in the output I had hoped for.

Recently my bestie turned me on to Brene Brown. I had heard of her before – if you know Oprah, you’ve at least heard of Brene – but had only gone as far as borrowing a book from the library and returning it three weeks later, still unread.

But something about now, about where my life and my head are now made me want to look a little deeper. That’s how I found myself sitting in the upstairs hallway of my house, watching the Brene Brown TedTalks on youtube, tears streaming down my face.‎

She talks (and writes) about a lot of things, a lot of really great, amazing things that have touched me and made me come to realizations about the way I am and the way I live and the way I think about things.  So many things that there’s no way I can, or would even try, to articulate them here.

What I will say though is that she has helped me realize things are a lot of work.  Life and parenting and mothering and relationships and friendships and having a job and wondering and wanting, it’s all a lot of work.

And that’s okay.

It’s okay that it is all a lot of work and it’s okay to show that you struggle with it sometimes – or all the time.

Because it’s in those struggles, and in the act of sharing those stuggles with other people, that the work becomes worth it.

So I’m done with hiding the struggles.  Done with pretending it’s not a lot of work.  Done with trying to appear effortless.

I wasn’t very good at it anyway.‎

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