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Posts Tagged ‘siblings’

‎”Don’t!”

“I didn’t do ANYTHING!”

“Mom, he made a face at me!”

“I did not!!”

Guys, can you just ignore each other, please?? Just look out the window or something. We’ll be home in 10 minutes.

Thirty blissful seconds of silence.

“Let’s play a game”

This could either be a blessing or a curse.

“The first one to see a truck, yell truck!”

“TRUCK!”

“TRUCK!!!”

“I was first!”

“NOOOOO! I was first!! You cheated!!”

A curse. Definitely a curse.

“Mommmmm, she cheated!!”

I’m not sure how a person could cheat at a game that involves seeing a truck and yelling.

Leave it to my kids to find a way.

It’s in moments like this that I can’t believe there was a time when I wished for them to talk. A time when I wished for them to be old enough to have a conversation and interact with each other. A time when I was excited for them to act like brother and sister.

“Mom!!! She’s pointing at me!!! Make her stop!!”

‎Close eyes.

Bang head slowly against steering wheel.

Repeat. ‎ ‎

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‎When we were younger we used to have sleep overs in the basement, staying up late into the night watching wrestling on TV (why, I’m not really sure)! We used to talk and joke and fight and annoy and generally speaking, we had each other’s back.

But that was then, and this is now and now I don’t remember the last time we talked or joked and I can’t even begin to guess how to have your back.

There used to be inside jokes and sideways glances and kicks under the kitchen table. I used to hear a song and think of us sitting in your room, listening to it over and over on the CD player I wasn’t allowed to touch.

It never used to be a question of whether we were close or not – we lived the first 18 years of my life sleeping ten feet apart. Close? Of course – we didn’t really have a choice.

But then I moved and you moved and closeness wasn’t a given and when it became a choice, we both seemed to choose other things.

And now I don’t know how to go back. Or, if I’m going to be really honest, I don’t know if I want to make the effort required to go back. And that makes me feel bad. I should want to be closer to you, I should want to reconnect but I just can’t seem to get there.

I should try harder, could try harder, would try harder if only. There always seems to be something getting in the way. I don’t know where to begin, I don’t know where it will end. I don’t know how to start the conversation and the fear of awkward silences looms large.

It used to be so much easier. I used to know the short-hand of your life and the names and places and things that made up your world. Our relationship used to be one long conversation, and now it feels like painful cocktail party small talk.

Maybe one day I will find a way, we will find a way. Maybe one day I will decide the work and effort is worth it.

I hope so, because I do miss you, or at least I miss who you used to be to the person I used to be.

Maybe one day.

But for now I will continue to wonder and wish and contemplate.

What happened to us.

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