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Posts Tagged ‘Santa’

in search of some mommy magic.

As I stand in line at the grocery store behind a hundred other people, I wonder.  As I wrap what seems like the 250th present and my fingers are numb from the tape, I ponder.

What is missing this year?  To be honest, it’s not just this year.  I’ve noticed it gradually coming in the years since I became a mom.  What is missing is the Christmas magic.

When I was little I used to sit up in my bed on Christmas Eve and I would swear, in all honesty, that I had actually heard the reindeer’s hooves on my roof.  The excitement of waking up on Christmas morning, staring at the clock until it hit 7:17am or whatever random time my father had designated as “wake up” time.  Standing at the door of my room with my brother beside me, standing in his doorway, counting down the final minute until we could make the mad dash and leap onto my parents bed.  Magic.

A stomach filled with butterflies, with just a slight tinge of fear that maybe Santa didn’t bring what I had asked for this year; that maybe I hadn’t been as good as I let on in my letter.  What if?

That’s what Christmas is missing for me.  I know, it’s wonderful to see that excitement and wonder on my kids faces but, and I’m probably a horrible mother for saying this, I’m envious of them.  I wish I could go back to a time before I knew the “truth” about everything.  I wish I could go back to a time when I didn’t know how all the strings worked behind the scenes and the reality of how much work is involved in making Christmas.

I wish I didn’t know what (almost) every gift is under the tree – because I bought them, wrapped them and put them there.  I wish I didn’t cook everything on the Christmas table and all of the cookies in the Christmas cookie jar.

If I was to write a letter to Santa this year, that’s what I would ask for; just a little bit of the magic back.

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