Posts Tagged ‘realization’

It was meant to be.

As long as I can remember I have hated the idea of ‘meant to be’ and also its kissing cousin ‘not meant to be.’  I just can’t get behind the idea of things being so much out of my control, and the thought that I’m simply wandering through life waiting for things to come and for some unforeseen force to decide what’s going to happen.

When things happen, or don’t as the case may be, the words I dread the most are usually from the most well-being people.  They smile, they take my hand, they hold me close and then utter ‘it just wasn’t meant to be’ and my insides start to recoil.  I get that the people saying it to me come at it from the best possible place, a place of meaning well and wanting to comfort and hoping to reduce the pain. In reality though, none of those things actually happen.

Instead, in my ears, it sounds like a cop out, a throw away to try to explain things that can’t be explained and excuse things that can’t be excused.

And then, a few weeks ago, I came across this quote and something inside me just clicked.

It’s not that it wasn’t meant to be; it just wasn’t meant for me.

For some reason changing those two little words made it make sense to me.  Changing two little words made the idea ring true with me in a way that nothing else before it had.  Some things in this life are meant for me, some people, some experiences, some gifts, some adventures, some moments, some breaths, some tears, some laughs.

And some are not.

Where ‘meant to be’ sounded like an excuse, ‘meant for me’ sounds like a reason, it feels like truth in my heart.

And while getting to this place has seemed like such a long journey, I realize that the real work is still to come. While I can now view missed opportunities and unfulfilled dreams as simply not part of my path, I’m certainly a long way from being able to say I can let go of them gracefully.

Because if understanding comes from the head, letting go is very much an act of the heart and in my life, it is the heart that has always been hardest to convince.

But I will try, I will try because suddenly it feels worth it and the goal, though distant, now feels reachable.  The hard work seems difficult but not impossible. I can now dream of getting to the place where letting go is about finding acceptance rather than giving up.

It’s amazing the difference two little words can make.

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If only I could have 15 more minutes of sleep. Just 15 more minutes and I would be ready to face the day, and all the moments it holds. If I had those 15 more minutes I could be happy.

If only you didn’t say those words, in that tone, with that look on your face. If you would just take back those words and replace that look with a smile, then I could be happy.

If only I could find that library book, the one that’s due today. Why isn’t it right there on the table where I left it? If only I could keep track of the million pieces of my life, then I could be happy.

If only the kids would just do what I ask, when I ask the very first time. Put on their shoes when I ask, pick up their toys when I ask, go to sleep when I ask. If they would just listen, then I could be happy.

If only that thing that happened all those months ago didn’t happen after all. Then the memories wouldn’t run around in my head on a constant loop, over and over again, and then I could be happy.

If only I could get over it and move on like I’m supposed to. I know that’s what I should do, what I want to do, but I just don’t know how. If only someone would teach me how, then I could be happy.

If only tomorrow was Friday and not Monday. If only it was two weeks from now instead of this week. If only I could fast forward, then I’m sure I could be happy in that moment, as I can’t seem to be in this moment.

If only it were this time last year instead of this time this year. Then I could avoid all the mistakes, all the choices and decisions that led me to this spot. This spot where everything seems difficult and bumpy and foggy. If only I had avoided this spot, then I could be happy.

If only I knew where I was going, knew which path to take, which door to open, which question to answer. If I knew, then I could be happy.

If only things were different; not the things I don’t want to be different but everything else. If those things were different, then I could be happy.

If only everything that was wrong ended up being right, and the sun was shining and I was wearing the right shoes and the sunglasses that don’t rub my nose, then I could be happy.

If only I could stop letting all these little things in life get in the way, because life will always get in the way. Because I know happiness doesn’t come in place of all of those things, it comes in spite of them. I know that, but knowing and doing are two very different things.

If only I could.

If only.

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