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Posts Tagged ‘peace’

‎I will remember…

Feet on the coffee table.

Pool towels hanging over the balcony, drying in the breeze.

Birds in the trees.

Sand on the floor.

Shoes piled by the door.

Splashing in the water.

Clapping from the deck.

A cold drink, warm sun and laughter.

Breathing deeply.

A clear mind.

Old friends and new memories.

Lazy days.

Peace.

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‎I’m sitting alone in my car, parked in a parking lot outside an arena. It is a cloudy, windy, dreary day and I watch the bare tree branches blowing this way and that.

Hubby is inside the arena, doing all that stuff that takes place inside arenas. The kids are elsewhere, safe and sound and out of my jurisdiction for the time being.

I am drinking a still-hot cup of tea and reading a magazine, uninterrupted.

It really doesn’t take much to make me happy.

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For the past year I have been struggling to find a new path. Well, if I’m being totally honest, it’s probably been more like the last three or four years. I have felt lost, uncertain, professionally unchallenged and creatively unfulfilled.

I bought into the idea that if I’m not growing then I’m just withering; if I’m not striving for something, then I’m just standing still. And for some reason I have convinced myself that standing still is a bad thing. Standing still means I’m wasting time, doing nothing instead of doing something, anything other than what I’m doing right now. Standing still means I’m not moving forward which, I had grown to believe, is just as bad as moving backwards.

I have read dozens of books about finding your passion, finding your calling, finding the right path. I have read stories of people who claimed to be fulfilled, shook my head at their seemingly simplistic advice – follow your heart, live your dreams, listen to your own voice.

I’ve spent the last few years listening, I promise. I just don’t hear anything.

This journey to find a journey has been exhausting, which is kind of ironic considering my journey hasn’t actually taken me anywhere. I have grown frustrated. My search for fulfillment has left me feeling anything but.

And then suddenly, a few weeks ago, something funny happened. I stopped spending all of my time looking, and instead started seeing. I stopped constantly searching, and instead discovered that perhaps I already found what I’ve been looking so hard for.

I have been so afraid that if I stop and take a moment to just accept where I am that it will mean that I’ve resigned myself, given in, given up on the idea of a life different than this one. But slowly, day by day, the idea of acceptance began to grow and it began to lose its negative connotation. I loosened my grip on the perfection that only comes through change and instead started to contemplate contentment.

What if I could accept being content not as a consolation prize but as the goal I’ve actually been searching for all along?

Even just saying the word ‘content’ started to make me relax. It seems so easy; accepting and finding fulfillment with what I already have, rather than constantly feeling the need for more.

More.

More experiences, more places, more people, more things. More. Always feeling like I’m falling short, coming up empty when really everything is already so full. What if instead of getting ‘more’ I could realize and accept when it is ‘enough.’

I saw a quote once that said, to paraphrase, “I do enough, I have enough, I am enough” and lately it has become my mantra. Enough. The word now whispers in my head like a sigh. It brings everything down a notch and gives me a minute to focus.

I am enough.

I am open to change and the new adventures that come, but what I have experienced is enough. Enough for now.

I will continue to learn and grow but I will also be content that the knowledge and wisdom I have already found is enough. Enough for now.

There will be time for more, but right now there is enough.

And I am content with that.

Finally.

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let it be

I very rarely just sit and let my mind go quiet.  Instead, I find myself constantly searching.

I am looking for something to do.

Something to write.

Something to inspire.

I’m looking for a new path.

I’m looking for a way to say goodbye.

I’m looking for a new challenge.

I’m trying to fill the days, the hours, the minutes.

It all just gets to be too much.  I lash out; I get annoyed.  I just want quiet.

And when I finally give in and just sit, just listen, just be, the answers seem to come. For a few minutes I make myself go quiet enough to hear them.

The kids ask to go to the park and I say yes.  I breathe.  I take in all that is around me and the gifts come to me if only I am still enough to receive them.

And, as if like magic, the surprise tulips that were planted by someone I don’t know start to bloom.  Like a smile in my garden, just for me, just when I needed it the most.

Sometimes the universe knows exactly what I need, even if I don’t know it myself.

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