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Posts Tagged ‘opinions’

‎As a general rule I try not to spend too much time contemplating what other people think about me. I would like to say that it’s because I’m particularly well evolved but, to be perfectly honest, it’s generally because I spend altogether too much time trying to figure out what I think about myself and it doesn’t leave much time for anything else.

So I fumble my way through things, assuming that people see me the same way I see myself. I assume they can see that I get scared sometimes and shy sometimes and silly sometimes and that I basically have no idea what I’m doing most of the time.

I assume that when I stand quietly, just outside the borders of the group, that they know it’s because I can’t find the words to make my way into the conversation and that it’s not because I’m aloof or stuck up.

I assume that when I don’t notice a new hair cut or a new sweater or five pounds now gone, they know it’s because I think they are beautiful before, now and in the future, and not because I don’t care.

I assume that when I’m curt or short or frank in my conversations that they know it’s because I’m feeling insecure and out of my element, not because of something they said or did to anger me.

I have gone through most of my life assuming these things; assuming that everyone else sees what I see. I assume they see me.

More and more though I’m beginning to question my assumptions; and the beliefs I’ve built on top of them.

How wide is the divide between what they see and what I see? And which vision holds the reality of who I am? Is it what they see, or what I see, or is it somewhere in the middle?

And if they don’t see me, the “real” me, is that their problem or mine? Does it mean I didn’t show them what’s on the inside, or does it mean they never asked to see it‎? Do I have a responsibility to ensure people have a true view of me, or do they have a responsibility to seek it out?

Obviously I don’t know or I wouldn’t be asking the questions. ‎But now that I have asked them, now that they have taken up residence in my head, I can’t seem to get rid of them. I sit across the table from a friend, a family member, and I wonder what they think of me. I wonder what they would say if I ask them.

But I know I won’t ask because I know, quite honestly, that I don’t want to know. Because once I know what they think I won’t be able to separate it from what I think. I know that when I look in the mirror I would no longer be able to see what I see, I would only be able to see what they see.

And if I’m only going to believe one version of myself, I would rather it be my own. For better or worse.

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So here we go again, something that seems to have become an annual tradition here at the Palace, my new year’s “realizations.”  While others make resolutions about what they want to see happen in the new year, I find it much more helpful to look back at the year that has passed and examine the lessons I have learned (or should have learned) from the last 12 months.

1) Tears don’t fix things, but that doesn’t mean they’re not valuable.  They don’t solve problems or heal wounds or right what has gone wrong but sometimes they help.  They help wash away the pain for long enough that I can get up off the floor and get back to what I’m supposed to be doing, even if just for a short period of time.  Don’t fight the tears; they come for a reason.  They come when the pain is too much to keep inside and it needs to be released.  Embrace the tears, welcome them and appreciate their purpose.  Let them come, and when they’re done, wipe away what’s left and go on.

2) I have no idea what’s going on in other people’s minds and guessing just makes things worse.  It’s hard enough to figure out my own motivation for doing things, let alone trying to guess what makes other people tick.  I assume I know you, I assume I know what you’re going through and how you’re feeling and what you’re thinking.  But I don’t.  I don’t have a clue.  I don’t know any of it and trying to guess is unfair to you.  If you want me to know, you’ll tell me and then we’ll deal with it together.  In the meantime, I’ll be over here trying to figure out my own shit.

3) I’m tired of being sorry.  I’m tired of assuming that I should be sorry for things, even if I don’t specifically know what they are.  I’m tired of apologizing for things I don’t think are wrong.  So I’m not going to do it any more.  And I’m not even going to be sorry about it.

4) There is very little in the world that I can control so I need to stop thinking I can.  I have spent a lot of time in the last 12 months thinking that if only I had done things differently, they wouldn’t have turned out the way they did.  Now I finally realize that I’ve given myself way too much credit.  I can’t control the universe or fate or karma or the thoughts and opinions of others.  I can barely control my own thoughts.  It’s time to stop thinking otherwise.  Maybe that will stop me from feeling like a failure most of the time.

5) Life is tough and it takes work, hard work, to get through it.  But at the end of the day it’s worth it.  It’s worth the hard work and the sweat and the tears and the back-breaking weight of it all.  Because there are moments that make it seem like not so much work after all, and that’s what I have to strive for; to push my way through the work to get to the reward.  And then to enjoy the reward when I get there and appreciate the work it took.  Even if it’s just for a moment, just for one breath or one giggle or one hug.  I will let those things fill me back up and give me the strength to get to the next one.  That’s what it’s about.

Now let’s just hope I can remember these lessons going forward, so that I don’t have to keep learning them over and over and over again.  Because I’m sure 2014 will have its share of things to teach me, whether I want to learn them or not!

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overflowing

Sometimes there is just too much information. I want to read it all, absorb it all, digest it all. But I can’t.

I feel like I need to have an opinion about everything; am expected to decide which side of the fence I’m on for everything. Sometimes I don’t want to pick a side. Sometimes I don’t want to even pick a fence.
Opinions used to ignite me. I used to want to have an educated opinion about everything. I needed to be right, needed to have the data, the numbers, the examples to back me up. Look at me, I’m smart, I’m eloquent, I’m “righter” than you.

Now I can’t remember the last time I felt heated about something. Instead of picking a side I meander about, dipping my toes in everywhere, feeling lost. I now see grey when before there was only black and white.
But I still feel inundated with it, all that information. I feel like I should care about it all. So much of what I read wants me to have an immediate reaction. “Like” it, share it, retweet it. Do something with it. Do, do, do.

I don’t want to.

I want to turn it all off.

There are so many other words that I can’t find my own. They are stuck at the bottom of a overflowing in-box, scrolling off the screen on a news feed, lost somewhere in my head.

There are so many words already, do I really need to add more?

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