Posts Tagged ‘gentle’

‎Sometimes it’s helpful to be but one anonymous face in the sea of a big city. Sometimes there’s comfort to be found in the reality of being surrounded by hundreds of people who don’t notice, don’t realize, don’t care. Sometimes there’s relief in being able to hide, out in the open.

I was on a trip for work, my first such trip. It was exciting and new and frankly, all a little overwhelming. I was trying to be gentle with myself. I was trying to cut myself ‎a break and take the advice that I always give everyone else but seem to ignore when it comes to my own life. I was trying, but I was failing and I was feeling like it was another in a long line of failures.

I felt like I was treading water and losing the ability to keep my head above the tide. I’d gone from being the person other people went to for answers to the person who had nothing but questions. It was not a comfortable place for me to be.

I knew that this was the whole point. I knew that for too long my life had been lived firmly ensconced in my comfort zone. I knew that it was supposed to be unfamiliar and uncomfortable and awkward. But just because I knew it didn’t mean I liked it.

And it all seemed to hit me right there, in a McDonald’s at the corner of a busy city street, staring out the window with a half-eaten egg Mcmuffin (hold the meat) sitting on the table in front of me.

Dozens of people walked by the window, striding purposefully towards their destinations. They didn’t see me, didn’t even make eye contact, and for that I was grateful. It was nice to be ignored, to be left alone with my thoughts, my tears and my egg Mcmuffin.

I gave myself five minutes. Five minutes to wallow and feel sorry for myself. Five minutes to question the decisions I had made and the choice I thought had been made for me. Five minutes to wonder if I would ever again have any of the answers.

Change is hard.

I thought I knew all of the ways it would be difficult but I didn’t take into account being my own harshest critic. No one around me was expecting more of me, except me. No one around me had unrealistic expectations of me, except me. No one around me was being hard on me, except me.

It took five minutes to understand the only one making it harder than it needed to be was me.

And then I told myself to suck it up and I wiped my eyes and finished what was left of my breakfast. I headed out and joined all the other people who knew where they were going.

One day I’ll feel like I know where I’m going again. One day I won’t have to think about it and I’ll have less questions and more answers. One day I’ll have the egg Mcmuffin without the tears.

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