Posts Tagged ‘fix’

‎When we were younger we used to have sleep overs in the basement, staying up late into the night watching wrestling on TV (why, I’m not really sure)! We used to talk and joke and fight and annoy and generally speaking, we had each other’s back.

But that was then, and this is now and now I don’t remember the last time we talked or joked and I can’t even begin to guess how to have your back.

There used to be inside jokes and sideways glances and kicks under the kitchen table. I used to hear a song and think of us sitting in your room, listening to it over and over on the CD player I wasn’t allowed to touch.

It never used to be a question of whether we were close or not – we lived the first 18 years of my life sleeping ten feet apart. Close? Of course – we didn’t really have a choice.

But then I moved and you moved and closeness wasn’t a given and when it became a choice, we both seemed to choose other things.

And now I don’t know how to go back. Or, if I’m going to be really honest, I don’t know if I want to make the effort required to go back. And that makes me feel bad. I should want to be closer to you, I should want to reconnect but I just can’t seem to get there.

I should try harder, could try harder, would try harder if only. There always seems to be something getting in the way. I don’t know where to begin, I don’t know where it will end. I don’t know how to start the conversation and the fear of awkward silences looms large.

It used to be so much easier. I used to know the short-hand of your life and the names and places and things that made up your world. Our relationship used to be one long conversation, and now it feels like painful cocktail party small talk.

Maybe one day I will find a way, we will find a way. Maybe one day I will decide the work and effort is worth it.

I hope so, because I do miss you, or at least I miss who you used to be to the person I used to be.

Maybe one day.

But for now I will continue to wonder and wish and contemplate.

What happened to us.

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When I was a kid I played a few different types of organized sports and one thing that was common across almost all of them was the ready position. It varied slightly from sport to sport but contained a few consistent elements: knees bent, arms slightly raised, head up, eyes focused. If you were in the ready position you were prepared for anything that might come your way, at least in theory.

Years later I am now an adult and I play no organized sports. Yet it occurred to me that I spend a large amount of my time in the ready position. Not physically though, I have to admit I would look a little odd standing in my kitchen hunched over slightly, ready to field a hotshot grounder on a baseball field, but rather now the ready position seems to be a constant state of mind.

What next? What’s going to happen next that I have to deal with? What problem to be solved, ‎issue to be fixed, potential argument to be avoided?

When I’m at work and the phone rings, I wonder “what now?” When someone walks into my office and closes the door I’m already anticipating which crisis they are going to drop at my desk.

When I’m at home and I go through my kids school agendas I fear the pieces of paper that signal something else to be done. When I see a text message on my phone that says “call me” my first thought is “this can’t be good.”

Because is it just me or ‎lately does it always seem to be bad news? Something that means more work and more stress and more problem solving and more and more and more. Sometimes when I find myself assuming the worst I try to force myself to go the other way. I stop and try to come up with ideas of what it could be that would be good.

I usually don’t get very far.

It always seems there are a million different things that can (and do) go wrong, but barely a handful of things that could go right. I’ve never been very good at math but even I can figure out that those aren’t great odds.

So I find myself searching for times when I don’t have to be ready and able to deal with the next thing. I forward the phone to voicemail, leave my cell phone in my purse, turn off the TV and just sit. I try to give my brain a break from the constant need to solve, arrange, fix, schedule, organize everything that comes my way.

I know these moments won’t last long and that sooner rather than later I will have to reconnect to the world and all of its demands but when I do, I find myself a little calmer, thinking a little clearer, breathing a little deeper.

And once again ready to face what will inevitably be coming next.

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