Posts Tagged ‘darkness’

It has been November for less than 12 hours but I can already feel it settling in. I can feel it in my shoulders as they stoop ever so slightly, in my face as my mouth turns down in the corners, and in my breath as it slows, tired from the very effort of inhaling and exhaling.

The November blahs have arrived. The depressing time between Halloween and Christmas when it’s too early to string the house in cheery twinkle lights and too late to pretend you’re just “sampling” the Halloween candy.

The colourful leaves that just last week looked so beautiful dotting the ground, now clump in wet piles, sticking to boots and tires, gumming up the works. They no longer look beautiful, now they just look like a mess.

The kids’ excitement at being back to school has long since worn off. I struggle to get them out of bed in the morning but can totally relate when they just want to snuggle down under the covers for a few more minutes. I wish I could pull back the blankets and climb in beside them, curling up beside their still-warm bodies and holding them close; drifting off to sleep for another hour.

It’s dark outside when I go to work. The street lights are still on, their reflection dancing off the rain drops on my windshield. If it weren’t so early I might be able to see the beauty in it. Maybe.

I go to work in the dark and come home at dusk. I sit in an office far away from any windows to the outside world. Sometimes it feels like I never see the sun. Then I realize that it feels that way because it’s true.

November has just begun and already I feel weighed down by the bulk of it. It stretches on, seemingly without end. No holidays to look forward to, no breaks from the usual routine. And in the absence of anything concrete, November becomes the month of “shoulds.”

I should get started on the Christmas shopping before things get too busy.

I should organize the closets and get rid of the old clothes.

I should give the house a good cleaning before the Christmas decorations go up in December.

I should go through the kids old toys and donate the ones they don’t play with anymore.

I should do something, anything, productive.

I should do something other than staring out the window, watching as the rain drops grow heavy on the glass and then fall, sliding down on their wayward journey to nowhere.
I should do anything other than watching the trees, now free from the weight of their leaves, bare branches swaying, waving.

I should appreciate this time, the calm before the holiday storm, because in my head I know it will be December all too soon. December, when the “shoulds” are replaced with “musts” and there is no time to contemplate the rain drops or the trees.

I should at least try; try to find the beauty in November; try to appreciate it for all it is and all it isn’t.

I will try.


I will start tomorrow.

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