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Posts Tagged ‘control’

‎I worry about not doing enough.

I worry about trying to do too much.

I worry that I’ve done the wrong thing.

I worry that I’ve done the right thing but for the wrong reason.

I worry about things that are out of my control.

I worry that, in fact, everything is out of my control.

I worry about the unknown and all of the questions I can’t answer.

I worry that maybe I’ve spent my life asking the wrong questions.

I worry that somewhere in the past I made a decision that changed everything.

I worry that maybe I will have to make a decision today that I will spend the rest of my life regretting.

I worry about being too late and what people will think.

I worry a‎bout being too early and what people will say.

I worry that I don’t care enough about how my hair looks.

I worry that people judge me because I sometimes start sentences with ‘and.’

I worry it will turn out that the one thing I always thought I was good at is actually just one more thing that I’m just okay at.

I worry about forgetting something important.

I worry about forgetting something not important.

I worry that I’ll never find the meaning I’m searching for.

I’m worried that maybe I already found it but I didn’t realize that was it.

I worry that I’ll teach my kids the wrong things.

I worry that I won’t teach my kids the right things.

I worry that someone I love doesn’t know how much they mean to me.

I worry that people have tried to tell me things but I was too busy worrying about things to listen.

I worry that I worry too much.

I worry that I don’t worry enough.

I worry that all of my worrying, when it comes right down to it, will neither negate nor solve anything at all, and that, in fact, all I have done is wasted a lot of time, doing a lot of worrying, for nothing.

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So here we go again, something that seems to have become an annual tradition here at the Palace, my new year’s “realizations.”  While others make resolutions about what they want to see happen in the new year, I find it much more helpful to look back at the year that has passed and examine the lessons I have learned (or should have learned) from the last 12 months.

1) Tears don’t fix things, but that doesn’t mean they’re not valuable.  They don’t solve problems or heal wounds or right what has gone wrong but sometimes they help.  They help wash away the pain for long enough that I can get up off the floor and get back to what I’m supposed to be doing, even if just for a short period of time.  Don’t fight the tears; they come for a reason.  They come when the pain is too much to keep inside and it needs to be released.  Embrace the tears, welcome them and appreciate their purpose.  Let them come, and when they’re done, wipe away what’s left and go on.

2) I have no idea what’s going on in other people’s minds and guessing just makes things worse.  It’s hard enough to figure out my own motivation for doing things, let alone trying to guess what makes other people tick.  I assume I know you, I assume I know what you’re going through and how you’re feeling and what you’re thinking.  But I don’t.  I don’t have a clue.  I don’t know any of it and trying to guess is unfair to you.  If you want me to know, you’ll tell me and then we’ll deal with it together.  In the meantime, I’ll be over here trying to figure out my own shit.

3) I’m tired of being sorry.  I’m tired of assuming that I should be sorry for things, even if I don’t specifically know what they are.  I’m tired of apologizing for things I don’t think are wrong.  So I’m not going to do it any more.  And I’m not even going to be sorry about it.

4) There is very little in the world that I can control so I need to stop thinking I can.  I have spent a lot of time in the last 12 months thinking that if only I had done things differently, they wouldn’t have turned out the way they did.  Now I finally realize that I’ve given myself way too much credit.  I can’t control the universe or fate or karma or the thoughts and opinions of others.  I can barely control my own thoughts.  It’s time to stop thinking otherwise.  Maybe that will stop me from feeling like a failure most of the time.

5) Life is tough and it takes work, hard work, to get through it.  But at the end of the day it’s worth it.  It’s worth the hard work and the sweat and the tears and the back-breaking weight of it all.  Because there are moments that make it seem like not so much work after all, and that’s what I have to strive for; to push my way through the work to get to the reward.  And then to enjoy the reward when I get there and appreciate the work it took.  Even if it’s just for a moment, just for one breath or one giggle or one hug.  I will let those things fill me back up and give me the strength to get to the next one.  That’s what it’s about.

Now let’s just hope I can remember these lessons going forward, so that I don’t have to keep learning them over and over and over again.  Because I’m sure 2014 will have its share of things to teach me, whether I want to learn them or not!

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