Feeds:
Posts
Comments

Posts Tagged ‘blah’

It has been November for less than 12 hours but I can already feel it settling in. I can feel it in my shoulders as they stoop ever so slightly, in my face as my mouth turns down in the corners, and in my breath as it slows, tired from the very effort of inhaling and exhaling.

The November blahs have arrived. The depressing time between Halloween and Christmas when it’s too early to string the house in cheery twinkle lights and too late to pretend you’re just “sampling” the Halloween candy.

The colourful leaves that just last week looked so beautiful dotting the ground, now clump in wet piles, sticking to boots and tires, gumming up the works. They no longer look beautiful, now they just look like a mess.

The kids’ excitement at being back to school has long since worn off. I struggle to get them out of bed in the morning but can totally relate when they just want to snuggle down under the covers for a few more minutes. I wish I could pull back the blankets and climb in beside them, curling up beside their still-warm bodies and holding them close; drifting off to sleep for another hour.

It’s dark outside when I go to work. The street lights are still on, their reflection dancing off the rain drops on my windshield. If it weren’t so early I might be able to see the beauty in it. Maybe.

I go to work in the dark and come home at dusk. I sit in an office far away from any windows to the outside world. Sometimes it feels like I never see the sun. Then I realize that it feels that way because it’s true.

November has just begun and already I feel weighed down by the bulk of it. It stretches on, seemingly without end. No holidays to look forward to, no breaks from the usual routine. And in the absence of anything concrete, November becomes the month of “shoulds.”

I should get started on the Christmas shopping before things get too busy.

I should organize the closets and get rid of the old clothes.

I should give the house a good cleaning before the Christmas decorations go up in December.

I should go through the kids old toys and donate the ones they don’t play with anymore.

I should do something, anything, productive.

I should do something other than staring out the window, watching as the rain drops grow heavy on the glass and then fall, sliding down on their wayward journey to nowhere.
I should do anything other than watching the trees, now free from the weight of their leaves, bare branches swaying, waving.

I should appreciate this time, the calm before the holiday storm, because in my head I know it will be December all too soon. December, when the “shoulds” are replaced with “musts” and there is no time to contemplate the rain drops or the trees.

I should at least try; try to find the beauty in November; try to appreciate it for all it is and all it isn’t.

I will try.

(Sigh)

I will start tomorrow.

Read Full Post »

The alarm went off at 6:33am, just as I knew it would. The fact that I was expecting it didn’t make it any easier. At first I told myself that I must be hearing things; that it couldn’t possibly be Monday morning already. I paused to listen again and yes, much to my disappointment, that was the alarm.

I reached over to shut it off before it woke up my sleeping husband. I said a bad word under my breath and thought again about how I should have become a teacher, like him, so I could sleep in every day in July and August. I hated him just a little bit in that moment.

I wished it was Friday again. I thought of the week ahead, another week of all the things that have to be done and buried my head down deeper into my pillow. It had been a great weekend, the perfect mix of busy and boring and I wanted more, just one more day and then I’d be okay to get up, to drag myself out the door, to sit at my desk and stare at the computer.

I cursed at myself for not buying a lottery ticket. I could be a millionaire right now. I could be jumping out of bed with the sheer exhilaration that comes from knowing you get to spend the day doing whatever you want.

Maybe one day.

But not today.

I pulled my head off my pillow and swung my feet out from under the blanket and sighed deeply as they hit the floor.

I am up now. It is Monday.

Read Full Post »