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Posts Tagged ‘balance’

‎You will never hear me say I’ve got it all together. You’ll never hear me say it because it would be a total lie, and also it seems a little like waking a sleeping bear. As soon as you say it, you can pretty much guarantee that the universe will burst forth just to prove you wrong.

And so I will never say it, but that doesn’t mean I don’t hope for it, dream of it, strive for it every day.

There are days when I feel like I come close. Days where things are relatively in order, the schedule is manageable and there might even be time left at the end of it all for a cup of tea and a quiet minute to relax. On those days I’m cautiously optimistic that maybe balance is possible, that maybe working and being a decent mother, wife, friend, daughter can all exist in something faintly resembling harmony.

Usually shortly after those thoughts cross through my mind I hear the words, “Mama, my tummy hurts.”

And then the little house of cards that looked fairly stable ten minutes ago topples to the ground. We do the scramble of who is going to stay home; the intricate dance of which schedule is less movable and which tasks take precedence. Today my day has very little give in it at all, meetings from beginning to end with little possibility of rescheduling. My day wins, or loses, depending on how you look at it.

So I have to kiss him goodbye, the little guy tucked in his bed upstairs with the tired eyes and the sick tummy, and go off to my day. And the entire time I will hate myself for leaving him even though I know he’s safe at home with his daddy because I think it’s supposed to be me there with him. Me there with the hugs and the cups of juice and the cool cloth for his head.

Instead I will spend the day questioning this whole working mother thing and doubt every major decision I have made that led me to this place. ‎My carefully-crafted schedule will implode, things will have to be shuffled and scheduled again. I feel the exact opposite of someone who has it all together.

In my head I know this will pass. I know I will pick up all the cards, gather then together, shuffle a few here and there and I will rebuild the house. That’s what we parents do. It probably won’t look the same as it did before, some of the cards will be in different spots, but at the end of the day it will be fine, perhaps even stronger than it was before.

But I also know there will come a day when it will fall down again, such is the nature of this balancing act we all try to do. And I’m slowly trying to get to the place where the real appreciation comes not when the house is complete, but the whole time spent building it along the way.

I’ll let you know if I ever get there.

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