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Posts Tagged ‘alone’

outside

‎The room is loud, a dozen voices competing to be heard but mine is not one of them.

Everyone is chatting, laughing, and I sit quietly.

I could try. I could say something and someone would smile and answer back and then there would be that awkward silence when we both decide we don’t really want to keep talking.

I will think of an excuse to leave, to go anywhere but this room.

Because I already feel like I’m on the outside, so now I will go there instead.

Maybe there I will feel like I belong, even if it’s only with myself.

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Tonight I have 3 hours at home, alone.  No kids, no husband, just me and the cat and a few blissful hours spread out before me.  Having time by myself is great, having time by myself at home is pretty much the greatest great there is. 

I wondered all day what I would do with my 3 hours.  I contemplated various scenarios: would I go out? would I stay in? what should I eat for dinner? So many wonderful questions and no one to determine the answers but me.

Well, here I sit, about 2 hours into my wonderful 3 hours and here’s what I’ve managed to do so far:

– change into comfortable (i.e. ugly) clothes and put my hair in a pony tail.

– stand in the kitchen and contemplate making myself a dietary masterpiece for dinner; decide to have a bowl of Mini-Wheats instead.

– look through the mail; decide to open the credit card bill tomorrow.  Why ruin my wonderful 3 hours?

– turn on the tv and cue up Keeping Up With the Kardashians from last night.  Watch the first 10 minutes and decide watching Kris play tennis isn’t really what I’m in the mood for.  Watch an episode of Smash instead.  Not really much better than Kris playing tennis but at least there’s singing.

– get a text from my mom asking if I’m going to watch “Bunheads” tonight.  Turn on computer and Google ‘Bunheads.’  Momentarily wonder (again) how my mother is more up to speed on pop culture than I am.  Decide that yes, I totally have to watch Bunheads tonight.  Spend the next 5 minutes realizing that we don’t get ABC Family.  Doh!

– crack open my new issue of Entertainment Weekly; always read The Bullseye first.  Notice that EW has also picked Bunheads as “one to watch.”  Swear loudly at Rogers Cable for sucking down $70 a month for cable and not giving me ABC Family.

– contemplate writing something.  Roll eyes toward the ceiling in an attempt to come up with an idea of what to write about.  Stay that way for 8 minutes and still nothing.

– read funny ecards on the computer.

– have another bowl of Mini-Wheats.

– get an e-mail notifying me that my e-book copy of 50 Shades of Grey is now available for check out from the library.  Ask myself if I’m actually going to read it.  Answer myself quickly that yes, of course I’m going to read it.  Spend the next 10 minutes trying to remember how to download a book from the library onto my Kobo.

– think about maybe going out for a walk and getting some exercise.  Look out the window and decide it looks like rain.

– put a load of laundry in the washing machine so I can at least point to that when asked “what did you do all evening?”

– looked at the clock and realized I know only have 1 hour left.

Now I’m looking around in shock, wondering where those 2 hours went???  Wasted, all wasted???  How can that be??  How can I make up for it all in the last hour???  What should I do with that time?

I think I’ll have some ice cream…with sprinkles.

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